disgruntled wife! help!

Hi there,

My husband has worked in train service for 5 years with UP. I didn't really understand the nature of the job when he was hired (on call 24/7, 350 days straight per year), but quickly figured it out. For the most part, we've made it work and I'm incredibly grateful to him for how hard he works, for the good pay and benefits he receives, and I do everything I can to protect his sleep schedule and give him room to breathe/do things outside of work, since I know the hours are anything but easy and he has had to change so many aspects of his life to do this job (less time with friends, etc.). He rarely lays off and I appreciate the dedication.

HOWEVER...We had our first child nine months ago, and I feel like I am about to lose it. My career has been decimated. I made close to $100K/year but had to travel for a living so I had to quit my job and transition to something else because we needed someone home at night with the baby (we have no family nearby - and he didn't want to change his job or stay at home). My personal life is in shambles - most of the time it's me who is waking up at 5:30 with our baby and then I am "on" until at least 7 at night/bedtime (if not much later) - trying to juggle my own substantial work responsibilities and deadlines along with childrearing, never knowing when I will have support. He does everything he can to help out - diapers, feeding, bathtime, etc. when he is home and rested - but fundamentally, I'm tired of trying to fit my entire life into the railroad's clusterfuck of a "schedule."

So here is my question: has anyone else had a working wife AND kids and how did you (she?) make it through? I feel like the railroad almost demands that the "wifey" do nothing but stay at home and eat bon bons and shop on QVC. But not only is that not my thing -- that's just not a financial reality in the bigger US cities. We need me to have a real income, which means I need to have a real job with real responsibilities! But I am not superwoman! Two other questions: what is the deal with transferring on the UP - is it possible he could do the same job in a city with a lower cost of living? Alternatively, what are the other job options exist within UP that might give him more preditability to be at home and help out?

Thanks for any insight.

Sounds like another divorce compliments of the railroad.

Sounds like you're both trying. Try to find a way to both compromise if at all possible. If it's heading for a divorce, try a seperation, then come back and look at it fresh. You don't want to divorce with a child over a job. Good luck !

tiredwife

Your concerns are justified. I was married twice during my railroad career. The first one was like you she had a career. She got tired of having a husband who in all reality was also married to the railroad. Like your husband I did what I could when I was home. Years after the divorce I realised if I'd only had taken some time off the road for a few months a year and worked a yard job or a local mabey it would of helped. I thought I was doing what needed to be done to support the family. The second wife wanted to sit around eat bon-bons watch QVC. That I didn't need especially when I took a cut in pay by working the yard to not make the same mistake. That one didn't last long. Sit down explain things to your husband make up a budget to make him feel things could work out if he took a yard job with a reduction in pay for a while. He could bounce from working road to yard during the year. Couples do make it on the railroad I know co-workers who have been married for 30+ years and their wives had careers. The flip side there are a lot of divorces. Good luck.

We need me to have a real income, which means I need to have a real job with real responsibilities!

Two options:

1. if you feel you HAVE to work full time, because you have to have the money to support the house, cars, etc..then dont have children.

2. If you want to have children, then downsize your life so you can afford to raise children while one of you stays home to raise them for the first 5 years. which people can easily do..but most simply dont want to.

its a myth that both parents MUST work..no, they really dont have to..just buy a smaller house for a few years and live on one income.
or if both must work, either because they need the money to support the chosen lifestyle, or because they both simply want a career,
then dont have kids..

but it is actually posible to raise children on one income..people do it all the time..just arrange your life to fit the money.
I never believe it when people say "we HAVE to have both incomes!" no..you dont..the truth is you WANT both incomes..there is a difference.

if you both want to work, thats fine! nothing wrong with that..then choose career over children, and dont have children.
if you are going to have children, then choose children over career..simple really.

Scot

Nobody I know has ever said home life was simple for a railroad family. The company does not care about the needs/wants/desires of the employee/family. It is a tough gig but many couples do make it through.

On the UP transferring is a pretty cut and dry. If he is a Conductor, so much the better. Engineer, well, it gets sticky. Your husband works in a Hub which has several terminals in it. He can easily bid into another terminal within the Hub without any issues. However, let's say you are living in Los Angeles and wish to move to Nampa, Idaho (second lowest cost-of-living State in the Western US), he would be transferring into an entirely different Hub. There are some issues with that. He would first have to find someone who would like to swap their seniority from Nampa to Los Angeles. This is a process that must go through the union (UTU if he is a Conductor). Both divisions of the UTU (LA and Nampa) would have to vote on the transfer and get a nod from the Carrier for this to happen. While it is tough, it can and does happen. As for Engineers, it would be far easier to climb Mt. Everest than getting a transfer to Nampa. The Carrier takes a far different approach in allowing an Engineer to transfer. Again, it starts with the Union, but involves the Carrier to a much higher degree. When I was looking into it I was told that it may happen in 1 out of a 1000 requests. I'm not going to give all the details about the hows and whys of it as it is too much and really not worth it. If he is an engineer, have him talk to his local chairman and go from there, but know that this will be a challenge. The other jobs that would allow him to have a schedule are tough to know not knowing his location. Any Mgt. job will take him further away from home that he is now.

I left the UP in 2007 for just this reason. I now have a set schedule (as long as Amtrak is running on time, I know when I am going to work) and have national seniority which will allow us to head back east with a small amount of rules, signals and territory training.

Hang in there. You are not the only wife going through this.

My wife and I have 3 kids.... When they were little, I worked the afternoon yard job and watched (spend time) with kids until wife came home. It was the best time I had with my kids and I am glad that I was there for them when they were little. My wife is a college professor and since all kids are now in school, she has adjusted her work schedule to teach while kids are in school. I got out on the extra board to compensate for the hours that she has dropped and it has been working just fine. I also take the reasonable time off from the RR to spend time with the family.
Every railroad is different and the lifestyle that comes with it. Where I work they allow us to take time off, and there is also a choice of yard and road work.

It will get better as your child gets a little older. Parenthood is tough at the age of this child, and especially since it is your 1st.

Ideas:

Look for a teenager (they are having a very hard time finding a job) to hire for a couple hours when you first get home from work. You can be there, but they can entertain the baby, help clean house, whatever. Take a walk, let the teenager push the stroller... eventually you will feel safe in leaving the baby with the teen, and you can go for a walk yourself.

Since the baby is only 9 months old, treat yourself to supper out - even if it is just the drivethough at subway. Feed the baby baby food, call it an evening.

Ask your hubby to lay off a little more than he has in the past. Yes, you lose money, but as long as he has the time, it is ok.

give up on having the clean house, etc, etc, for a few years. Set realistic goals.

dear tiredwife,if you made 100k a year and quit to fiil the void because of the RR job hubby has,good luck. The RR will never make up for that loss of income,been there done that.

Mythoughtis has a great idea.My daughter nannied for a situation exactly like yours, she went right to their house from school, took care of the baby, made them supper, did a little house work all while the mother was home. School vacations, she would spend the day. The couple wasn't rich, he was an otr truck driver and the wife did warranty claims from home for a car dealership, I think they paid my kid 50 or 60 bucks a week salary. They found my daughter through the HS Marching Band, they knew the director.

you'll probably get some sympathetic and some non-sympathetic posts, My wife says "welcome to the railroad!" We were married after I had been railroading for several years and I told her she was going to be in for a surprise even though her father was an otr truck driver who was never home except for weekends. She had a full time job and we both had family close by so in that sense we were lucky. After our second child, I told her that if she wanted to stop work, that I thought that I could support us but that she would have to handle most of the childcare. I would help when I could. She filled out her resignation papers before she came home from the hospital. It's not easy. Both of you have got to make decisions about what is really important, make a few sacrifices and a few compromises. And now, there's a baby involved. I work with CSX and don't know enough about UP to say a lot. But, a yard job is not a bad way to live if you adjust your living expenses accordingly. At least you have a schedule which helps a lot.

I hear your pain Mrs. Spike and I got into it the other day. I have been working the road lately, and I have a four year old son. Usually my mother-in-law will take my son for a while. She has been busy lately, as her step-father passed away. My mother-in-law has been helping Grandma get adjusted to single life, and changing accounts, etc. I happened to be off the next day, and took my son on a day trip. This gave her time to do her thing, and she was in a much better mood.

There is nothing about railroading which is easy. An oldhead once told me that family life was easier in the old days. Only family members got hired, so everyone was adjusted. Most guys would marry some engineer's daughter, so she knew the drill.

I remember telling the wife of an engineer whom I fired for, that I was getting married. She asked if my wife knew what she was in for. These stories may be trivial, buy you are not alone.

As for the financial aspect, I have the need to work like a slave. Another oldhead told me to "make it while it was there." I have gotten cut-off, and gone through slow periods. This is why I feel the need to always try to stay marked up on high paying jobs. You may have it easier because UP is a large railroad. Mine is small, so traffic varies.

Everyone gave good advice. You will need to work out a deal, like taking yard jobs sometimes, so everyone gets a breather. Everything will work out. Your husband will eventually have more security, as he gains seniority. He will also have more choices of jobs. Your child will need less care as time goes on too.

Stick it out. It will get better.

slchub wrote: The company does not care about the needs/wants/desires of the employee/family.

Truer words have ne'er been spoken....

The company only cares about the bottom line. If the employee doesn't make it (or chooses family over the job.. as any smart person really would...), then they'll just hire another grunt to do the work. Every single one of us is replaceable.

I didn't even make it that far with my ex-finance. My Dad is an engineer for CSX and a railroad employee for 32yrs. So I know what home life is like. It didn't work out for my parents and it didn't work out for me. I tried to explain what life was going to be like for my finance and I, and she said she totally understood and that she was so happy for me to have such a good job as a conductor. She repeatedly said that we would do what ever it takes to make it work, but when those hours I worked started adding up and the no shows at family events, holidays, and birth day parties happened. She wasn't as understanding as she previously said she would be. So we lasted another couple months after a year on the railroad and parted ways. She had a lot of time on her hands while I was bustin my a** on the rails to find another guy who worked a 9-5 schedule who could be there for her. So I lost a finance and gained a wife named CSX! It's tough and if you have a child I would try to make it work no matter what. I can only imagine how much better my childhood would have been if my parents would have had stuck it out. Work together, love, laugh, and make it work!

Bluntly, it's a tough job. It's not for everyone. The pay is relatively good. The benefits are relatively good. But, the necessary skills to be a railroad employee are not that hard. Almost anyone can do our jobs, but the railroad wants their employees to be available when the railroad wants them and that's 24/7, 365 a year. The life style, the schedule, the living by the phone, the away from home, the weather, the week-end work, night work; all those negative things are the reason the pay and benefits are good, and the reason why it's tough on marriages. Some spouses can put up with it and some people just can't. There are railroaders with lifetime marriages and there are those who have multiple marriages. It's just hard to explain to someone how it has to be in order to work out here.