Discussion of the past and present operations of the Long Island Rail Road.

Moderator: Liquidcamphor

  by Paul
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. Then they
turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a
voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one
for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a
martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - and says,
"That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck.They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender,"How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same." "Wow. That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't
ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the
three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's
with them?" The bartender says, "They're retired railroaders". They're waiting
for happy hour."
  by Pensyfan19
Nice story! Anyone have any other railroad jokes/humor to tell to put us in a good mood?
  by amtrakhogger
  by nyandw
Book of Rules Joke
Back during the War II, when anyone could get a job braking,
the NC&StL hired a new kid from Nashville. The Superintendent
gave him his copy of the Book of Rules and told him, "Now
take this and study it. Keep it with you at all times on
the railroad, because any situation that might come up is
covered in the Book of Rules."

So the kid takes his book, says, "Thank you,
Sir, I sure will!" and goes home to study the book. That
night he gets a call for No. 3, the secondary sleeper train from Nashville to Chattanooga. He gets on the train at Nashville, and the conductor tells him to go back and make sure the lanterns are all lighted and ready to go on the rear platform. The train pulls out while he's walking back through the sleepers, and sees a woman's bare posterior exposed through the curtains of an upper berth.

"Hmmmmm How do I handle this? Oh yeah, the Book of Rules!" So he gets out the Good Book, then runs to the rear of the train, grabs a red lantern and hangs it on the berth. Next comes a traveling salesman, who sees parted curtains and the red light, and gets the entirely wrong idea. Needless to say, there was a big stink when
the word got back to the Supt the following day, and
the kid had a message waiting on his return to report to the
Superintendent' s Office RIGHT NOW!

He walks in, and the "Old Man" inquires
politely, "Son, what in the world were you thinking of when
you hung that red lamp on that poor woman's berth on Monday

"Well, Sir," the new hire started, "you told me that
anything that came up on the railroad was covered by a rule
in the Book of Rules."

"Yes, I did," said the "Old Man." "But where in
hell did you find a rule to cover that one?"

"Right here," the new guy replied. "It says, 'The rear end
of a sleeper, exposed by night, must be protected by a red

Next day the kid was a Trainmaster.
  by nyandw
Rail Slang Story
From Bill Dunbar, a Train Dispatcher off the Alton RR/GM&O. (You almost need to have worked as a brakeman to understand some of the terms...)

Reminds me of something similar I read in RAILROAD STORIES many years ago. I don't have it verbatim, but it had to do with a boomer brakeman who was hurt in a yard accident:

A nurse at the hospital was starting his chart and asked what happened.

"Well, we had just come in off the main stem and we put the train away in the garden. I was taking the hog to the barn, and we was comin' down the ladder, and there was a gate some Snake left against us. I got down to bend the iron, and right then a goat came down the next alley and clipped me."

The nurse wrote on the chart, "Farmer hurt handling livestock."
  by MattAmity90
Okay, I remember this clear as day because I know the exact date it occurred on.

On December 22nd, 2003 I, at the age of 13 with two family members boarded at Carle Place for Penn Station. Now it was the first time I saw a M7, and of course I was confused because I hadn't been out to the Island in over a year so I wasn't there to see the rollout of the new fleet. Any how, we board and the next stop is Mineola and I'm in heaven. One of my family members talked to a conductor and he motioned me to the end of a car in the middle part of the train. We pull into Mineola, the train has come to a complete stop and the doors have opened up. He shows me the cab of the car we are in and tells me to pull down on the handle he was pointing at. I pull it down, and it was the horn! For 3 seconds I had the handle down, scaring me out of shoes, but EVERY commuter on the Westbound platform JUMPED out of their shoes! I did not get in trouble, but the conductor's face showed he was trying to hold back laughter because I got pranked causing me to "prank" about 100 passengers. He laughed so hard that my ticket was punched more than it should have been, looking like swiss cheese!