Remember the kiwi train?

Remember the kiwi train?

I've travelled near and I've travelled far
I've even been over Otira by car
Flown in an old NAC DC3
And recklessly travelled to Christchurch by sea.

Bravery or madness? Say what you like -
I've even been up and down Queen Street on a bike
But nothing intrigues me as much I confess
As a trip on a typical Kiwi Express.

"All aboard!" shouts the guard,
and you struggle and sweat
To shove all your suitcases up in the net.
You finally make it, sit down and then - WHACK!
Suddenly, half of your luggage comes back.

But oh what a thrill to be trundled along
In an architect's dream of a carriage - gone wrong!
Breathing in smoke-laden air from the train
And coughing it out through a cracked window pane

And speaking of windows, you know that old line
Throwing Out Rubbish Results In A Fine -
Well there'll be few convictions for that, you can bet,
For no-one has managed to open one yet.

And those blinds that come down and then lock in a socket:
You doze off and WHAM! it goes up like a rocket.
You pull it down gently, you lock it and then
Ten seconds later it goes up again.

But the time that I like best
Is when the train has come to rest
And you battle for a little tea and supper.
You scramble down the aisle,
Do the sub-four-minute mile,
Just so you can get a stale pie and cuppa.

Patiently you stand
With your money in your hand;
There's a bloke in front you'd really like to shoot,
'Cos he's got his cup of tea,
Then he accidentallee
Tips it all down yer flamin' suit.

Well you climb back on the train;
No use trying to complain -
The tea was cold and nothing left to eat,
But by way of compensation
You receive a strange sensation
That you've just sat on a sandwich on your seat.

"All aboard!" shouts the guard and the carriage fills up
And you sit there surveying your NZR cup.
Now those cups are so strong, if you collected them all
They'd make a good foundation for a new town hall.

But nature, like time, waits not upon men:
And sooner or later she calls you again.
And everyone STARES!!! - Why? You don't comprehend?
No wonder you chump, you're down the wrong end!

So you retrace your steps, with embarrassment pink;
One thing, you can't be wrong this time - you think!
You wait in the queue for a lengthy duration
Your turn comes round, and they stop at a station!

So ladies and gentlemen, take it from me,
A trip on a Kiwi train's well worth the fee:
In a hard-seated, non-heated, slow, comfortless.
Second class smoking Dunedin Express