• Funny Railroad Stories- By railroaders

  • General discussion about railroad operations, related facilities, maps, and other resources.
General discussion about railroad operations, related facilities, maps, and other resources.

Moderator: Robert Paniagua

  by UPRR engineer
I dont have all the details right on this one, i laugh too hard during the story when its told to new guys to get all the details. This is more on the adult side, be warned here, and this was way before i hired on, as told in the switch shack, from about 20 or 25 years ago.

My good friend (DR) is the main guy in the story. Also this comes from my other buddies, not DR. :-D

Back when there was full crews there was a local switching the Allied Chemical mine. (Alchem) One of the guys on the crew was a guy with the nickname Buffalo Head. They said he was living proof that the Indians did in fact _____ the buffaloes. Well anyways while they were switching out the loads DR said he had some business to take care of in the caboose. After about 40 minutes they started wondering about DR. Buffalo Head decided to head over there to see what was up. When he got in there he found DR in the bathroom with his thumbs trapped at the bottom of the window with his bibs down at his ankles. "How did that happen?" "It was cool in here so i closed the window."......Buffalo Head smiles big and says "today aint your day" as he takes his coat off and starts to undo his bibs.

By that time the whole room is laughed to tears and i never did hear if DR got dry humped or not. Im sure there was alot of screaming from the caboose.



  by pennsy
Hi All,

If nothing else we see that a sense of humor is part of the job.

  by westernrrtx
Somewhere in a Seattle yard in the 1980’s a switch engine crew was tired of having bums hanging around their shanty. The switch shanty is just a small locker room next to the track where crews can change shifts, have their lunch and coffee breaks ect.

One night at coffee, a switch engine foreman decided it was time to get the bums out of town. The bums would hang out on the cars in the yard and note when the crews left the shanty to work. Lunches and a rain coat had come up missing. Enough was enough.

This foreman had his engine parked on a track next to the shanty. He and his helpers lined the track with torpedoes just ahead of the switch engine. The engineer was told the plan; his part was to run over the torpedoes when he saw the foreman run out of the shanty’s door. The torpedoes were set, the engine ready, and the engineer patiently watched the door.

Torpedoes are small explosive devices that strap to the rail head. When a wheel runs over they pop and serve as an audible signal. They are about as loud as a cherry bomb.

The foreman was back inside the switch shanty and spied the bums hanging about. The foreman picked up the shanty’s broom and slung it under his arm like it was a shot gun.
He opened the door and ran out yelling “I have had it with you bums get out of here and don’t come back. “ The engineer saw him come out of the shack and ran the engine over the torpedoes. As the torpedoes went off like machine gun fire the foreman swung the broom around and faked the recoil with his body.

The bums cleared out pretty fast and were not much seen in that part of the Seattle Yards for quite awhile.
  by Gadfly
Well, why not............... LIttle change of pace here. I was working 2nd trick op one night. I had breathed a sigh of relief as all the southbound hotshots had OS'ed, I had just finished my minutes, when the dispatcher buzzed on the Mainline. Time to clear the Arrowood Local to go to work. So I had my flimsies threaded up, and in my typewriter, and I began the routine. But first, a reminder for the old heads who remember the old Train Order Office days. Orders had to be fully correct, no mistakes, no erasures, not typing strikeovers. NO one was to interrupt the Operator, or come into the Train Order office uninvited.
Everything to be strictly business lest you be taken out of service.
Chuck had a really DEEP, booming voice, and he began reading the running orders for the Local, "Order #four naught nine. To: Work Extra 5005 (Five Naught Naught Five) and 5027 (Five naught Two Seven)-(dash) coupled. Yard and Yardmaster. Period.

5005-5027-coupled (spelling yet again) Works Extra between Charlotte (spell) Junction & Arrowood Yard(spell) not protecting against Other Extra Trains. Period. Local also to take feed cut to Drake Siding.........................." when KA-BLAM!. My headset literally seemed to explode on my head. I must have jumped a FOOT in the air at this unexpected noise. And everything went quiet. I sat there for a little, listening to the static in the headphones. Nothing..........as I wondered what had just happened.

I stepped on the pedal. "Greenville, Charlotte" (click) Nothing but static.

GREENVILLE DISPATCHER, CHARLOTTE!!!!!!!!!! Silence. ????????????????????What has happened?????/ It sounded like gunfire.


Maybe I better call the railroad police. Just as I reached for the phone to call Greenville, Chuck's deep voice came back on..............

" AW-rite, lessee.........where was I at? Maybe we better start over."

So Chuck read the order to me again in its entirety, signed it REP/CW, and I, in turn, read it back...REP/JO and copied the time. Chuck said not one word, nor did he even offer any explanation of what had just happened. Filled with curiosity, I threaded up the orders, gathered up bulletins and notes, waybills, and wrapped them with twine, placing them in the pigeonhole for the local's conductor.

When I had finished this little chore, still filled with curiosity, I rang up Chuck on the dispatcher's line. "Greenville, Charlotte".

"Yeah, whatcha need." Chuck boomed.

"What in the world was that noise a while ago that likened to scared the crap outta me?"

Chuck laughed. "Oh THAT! One of the boys finished his minutes and slipped in here and busted a paper bag behind my head!!!!! I thot my girlfriend's husband had SHOT me!!!!!"

I replied while Chuck boomed with guffaws, "Well, it didn't do me a whole h*ll of a lot of good, either!!!!!!!!

If the bosses had been around, somebody'd been taken out of service!!! LMAO!! :) :)

  by charlie6017
Great stuff.......ya just can't make up that stuff! :-P

  by ACeInTheHole
Hahahahahhahahahaha that is a good one.. Girlfriends husband... Oh god... Lol
  by Desertdweller
When I was working on a short line in Mississippi, the north end of our primary yard ended in a curve through the wooded bottoms of the Tallahatchie River.
For several days in the summertime, there would be a pickup truck parked in the woods near the track. Something unusual was going on in there, two pairs of feet would be seen in the windows.

This was strangely regular in time. Always around 1:00pm. Why not in the evening? Someone else must be around in the evenings at home.

So I had my student engineer lay a row of torpedoes on the track at the closest point to the truck, then we pulled forward and ran over them.

There was a lot of commotion in the pickup. It hurriedly departed, not to return.

  by Gadfly

Our bosses were fond of reading Rules to us out of the General Conduct and Safety Rulebook. Each morning one of them would drone on during the repetitive safety meeting around 7 AM. One of these Rules was #1028 out of the NS GCSR book, "Running, jumping, pranks and horseplay of any kind are strictly prohibited....blah, blah".

One of the men at the shops was quite jumpy and also fearful of cats---any cat, house or otherwise. He was even afraid of the wild tabbies that slinked around the property at times after mice and rats. One day in late February, the Ringling Bros Circus Train stopped right adjacent to our shop on the Main waiting to "hole" into the Coach Yard. And there before us were the cars containing the lions, tigers and leopards peering out at us probably wondering how a "man-steak" would taste. The guy, Walt, that was usually afraid of cats, was hanging on the fence adjacent to the track looking intently at the huge cats with yellow eyes looking back at HIM. I was nearby on a fork lift unloading some tamping bars from an Overnite truck. "Larry", the Purchasing Agent saw Walter (the goosey guy) hanging on the fence and tiptoed up behind him. He "goosed" Walt in the ribs, "BOO"!!!!!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!", Walt screamed, "SONUVAB***CH"!!!!!! And instantly SWUNG his fist around, missing Larry's nose by scant inches!!!!! :) All of us doubled over in peals of uncontrollable laughter. Larry's eyes were big as saucers!!!!! Honest to Gosh, I thought I'd split my sides, I laughed so HARD I CRIED! I couldn't get my breath!!! What made it so funny, here's the fella telling US not to "horseplay" and HE was horseplaying himself!!!!!!:) And we wagged our fingers at Larry, clucking our tongues at him, "Tsk, tsk, Larry, that's Rule 1028"! And "Did you not know Walt is 'goosey'"? :) And for weeks we'd do that to him. Larry would just grin sheepishly and shake his head. But he didn't read that rule (1028) to us for a LOONG, LOONG time! LOL! :)

  by Engineer Spike
We had a guy named Roland. One day a woman came up to the engine, tapping the side with a broomstick. She was mad because they parked next to her house. Roland told her to get on the broom and fly away.

Our lunch room was next to the superintendents office. Against the wall was the garbage can. It was one with a swinging lid. Roland started swinging the lid. After a few minutes, the superintendent came in because he was becoming annoyed. Roland asked him, "Have you ever seen a-hole wrapped in plastic?" Super:"No" Roland: "Take out your driver's license!" The super went back in his office. Roland started with the can lid again. Super walked back in, "What now, Roland?" "Do you know the difference between an a-hole and a rectum?" Roland put his arm around the super and said,"You can put your arm around an a-hole." Oh ya Oh ya

Roland was out of service when he died. The union won the appeal, and his widow got all the pay which was in arrears.

There was a conductor who looked like Boss Hogg on Dukes of Hazard. He was working a local freight. The clerk gave him a list of what had to be spotted. Boss was giving the list to his brakeman, Brett. Brett said, "I don't need a list." Boss, looking at the clerk said," The kid doesn't need a list, THE KID DOESN'T NEED A LIST! How pray tell are you going to know where the cars go, Bretty? "I smell them. If it smells like grain, it goes to the brewery. If it smells like fruit, it goes to the regional market.". Boss said," The kid smells the cars. THE KID SMELLS THE CARS!"

This happened years ago. Brett told me this story one day. Soon afterwards I was on a road job. We had to set out cars for the local, which Brett is conductor of. He asked what I had for him, and I told him that one smelled like it was for the plastic plant, and the other smelled like it was for the paper mill.
  by Freddy
Not really funny but coincidence. I've been to 2 derailments, when I was in MOW that occurred at the same time in the same place on the same day, exactly a year apart. The first
was on the Saturday before Easter, behind my house on the northside in Jacksonville Fl. The second was at Bladen Ga.,which is no longer there, going thru the switch. In both instances
the trains were travelling in the same direction. This may seem funny. We had a new hire on the section at Waverly Ga. and we were teaching him how to spike with a spike hammer,
not a sledge hammer. On one swing he hit the plate by accident which caused the spike to jump out of the hole, go end over end about waist high and come back down and into that same hole. True story. There were 3 of us standing there and saw it happen.
  by Desertdweller
I was working on a short line in the New Mexico desert. One of the conductors on another crew liked to trap animals for their pelts. On his time off, he set a trap under a railroad bridge on a line I was running a train on. He asked us to check his trap when we drove back from the outlying point we left we left our train at.

It was only a short distance off the highway, so we agreed to. Now, I personally don't agree with the idea of trapping, as it violates the ethics of hunting I learned as a boy (make your kills as quick and painlessly as you can). So I waited in the truck while my conductor went to check the trap.

As he headed down the dry wash, I called to him: " Hector, what if you find a 400 lb. jaguar in that trap, held by the tail? He's gonna be plenty mad by the time you get to him!"

Hector stopped in his tracks. "You're right, Les." He said. He walked back to the truck, picked up a hoe out of the truck bed, and walked back to the trap.

The trap turned out to be empty. But jaguars did frequent the area. I never saw any but did see their tracks. Some of my co-workers had seen the actual cats.

  by Railjunkie
When I first hired out as a café car attendant we on our way to VT. I just finished making a fresh pot of coffee for the return trip when the air dumps and the engineer is making his broadcast about hitting a truck.

After a short while the brakeman comes back inside laughing and says you gotta check this out. I walk up to the head end and find a Ford Ranger with its passenger door punched in. A drunk individual "Darryl 1" walks up and grabs his fishing tackle out the back and heads to the canal. Meantime the local police show up and tell us its out of there jurisdiction and we gotta wait for the state boys. "Darryl 2" walks up just about the same time as the State trooper.

The officer begins questioning.

Officer How was driving this truck?
Darryl2 A friend "Larry"...
Trooper Were is he now??!
Darryl2 He went to get help...
Trooper Were??!!!
Darryl 2 His girlfriends house over there...

He has pointed to a bunch of hills and has no idea of the address and the trooper is no longer amused

Trooper your going to get into this truck and move it!!!
Darryl 2 I cant sir Ive been drinking...
Trooper Your not in that kind of trouble now. move that truck!!!!
Darryl2 I cant its a stick and I don't know how to drive one...
Darryl1 has been busy unloading the truck of its contents and when questioned by the trooper he stated he didn't know anybody was just being helpful. Never seen a Smokey the bear hat fly that far before. By now I was laughing so hard I had to get back on the train less I face the rath of a very pissed of trooper.
  by Gadfly
One afternoon I was inside the stores department getting up orders for the rail/track gangs. All at once, a truck horn began blowing incessantly. You could hear somebody just a-cussing up a blue streak!

"Get that (*&^%# train out of my blankety-blank way before I whup somebody's a***!!!!!!!"

We looked at each other: "What in the world?????????????????????" So we went to the door and peeped out. There was a tractor trailer truck at the crossing and a little driver that weighed maybe......................150 lbs soakin' wet just a raisin' hell and demanding the conductor get that ****ing train out of his ********way. And by this time the driver was out of the truck reaching back up into the truck and pulling the horn cord.

The cab (BACK IN THE DAY OF CABOOSES) was just fouling the main by a foot or two. Suddenly the door flew open and the conductor sauntered out onto the porch and began to smack his fist into the flat of his other hand. "Ben" was no small man...you might say, not fat, but large of stature and about 6 foot 3 inches. Quite an impressive sight, and certainly not someone to mess with!!!! And assuredly, very intimidating, this conductor whom I knew well would have flattened this little fella. He didn't look like he was ready to take any sh** from this little guy!

The loud-mouthed little driver took a look at this giant of a man standing on the porch of the cab, his eyes got BIG, and he quickly jumped back UP into the truck and LOCKED the doors!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D :-D There was NO MORE horn blowing or threats! We went back into the storehouse snickering!!!!! :wink: